The Shinning Part 2

So the movie starts off with two preppy teenage kids digging a hole in their backyard (it's a big one, because they're installing one of those below ground pools) and all the sudden they hit something hard - its Jack Nicholson trapped in a big block of ice.

So they thaw him out like a big floppy hot-dog and as luck would have it, hes alive and still filled with murderous rage....one problem - he just can't get laid.

There's a montage scene of the two preppy kids taking him out to the boardwalk and taking pictures together and trying on new outfits at H&M (the preppy kids totally rock the fuck out of a couple outfits, but then it smashcuts to Jack wearing totally fuckin lame parachute pants and a florescent green shirt that says "franky says relax" on it and oh yeah hes got some shades on and a sweet bright pink hat on and the two preppy kids look at him and are all like "naaahhh"

Then jack sees some chick named tammy (whos a fuckin babe) working at a frozen banana stand and everything gets quiet and a spotlight hits her and its all slow motion and shes just sucking the fuck out of a banana and hes all like "woa dude"

Oh yah and tammy's manager is a total dick whos always trying to get in her panties but shes totally creeped out and Jack knows it - and it pisses him the fuck off

anyways, by the end of the movie jack gets a job at some advertising agency and has a sweet red convertible and pulls up to the banana stand and is all like "lets split"  then tammy jams a frozen banana in her managers asshole and they fuckin ride off into the sunset but like you can see their silouettes as they drive off and then tammy's head disappears like shes gunna give jack some roadhead. yeaaaaah.

Lord Of The Rings II: Secret of the ooze

So the movie starts off with Sam in Prancing Pony drinking a tallboy of Pabst Blue Ribbon hitting on some hipster bitch when he gets a text on his blackberry from Frodo. Frodo's lookin to score some coke and Sam's just the man for the job. Sams not really feelin' the prancing pony anyways and the chick he was hitting on had been making eyes at a human all damn night, which pissed off Sam, but he should have known better, chicks who go to that bar are all about big dickin' it and most hobbits aren't packin' shit.

Sam and Frodo meet up at the Max and grab some fries but all the booths are taken up by some preppy kids so they go out to the patio and find a seat. Frodo casually lights up his pipe and blows a ring, then does that weird thing Gandalf does and blows a boat through the ring right in Sam's ugly fuckin face. Sam asks "so how much you lookin to score?", Frodo slaps 40 silver pennies on the table.  Sam notices Frodo is wearing new ring on his finger and a new chain that glitters with diamonds, rubies, doubloons,gold and platinum. "I thought you gave up the game" Sam says, "we've got on last job to do" Frodo replies *smashcut to frodo and sam wearing terminator sunglasses and matching suits walking down the street in slow motion to "little green bag" by george baker*

They arrive at the Mines of Moria late into the night. "You see that small cave on the east side of the mines? It's got a Dragon in it and he's taking a nap Sam", "So whats the plan Frodo?", "Alright so I heard this particular cave is fuckin lousy with Mythril so im going to run in there a shopping cart and load it up real quick, you stand as lookout just in case security shows up.", "got it". Frodo slips on his ring of power and silently creeps into the cave. Two hours pass and Frodo finally makes to the caves entrance. "That was almost too easy" says Sam, "lets hit the Roxberry" Frodo replies. The end.